The following is something I wrote right after my Grandma, Hazel, died two years ago. She was 98 years old:
My rock is gone. How does one go on when one's center of gravity is no longer of this world? One would be selfish to believe they could hold on to someone so ethereal forever. What a gift to have been blessed with a grandmother as wonderful as she. Someone who truly walked this earth as if she were one of Jesus' deciples. God is lucky to finally to finally have his chosen one at his right hand....and we are left to weep alone without her here. How blessed were we to have her in our lives for so long? How can we be begin to imagine life here on earth without her by our sides? I selflessly prayed for God to take her......and now I selfishly wish I could hold her close just one more time. Grief is a very strange and powerful force. It makes us yearn for what we cannot have and makes us realize how strongly we loved.
How lucky I was to have known someone who always had the right words to say, was always strong, and always made me laugh and cry at the same time but touching me deep down in my soul with something wonderful she might say to me. Something that would make me feel like I was one of the best people on the face of the earth in her eyes.
Thank you God for answering my prayer.......for taking my Grandma peacefully in her sleep, and for cradling her close to your heart where she belongs and has always been. She was the best of everyone and the best of everything. She loved you......and she loved us......she just loved everyone. Only time will ease our pain. Please I pray that you help us always to remember to try to live our lives as she did as she was the best example we could possibly ever live by. We were lucky to have had her with us for as long as we did. We are grateful for the hundred's of happy memories that she gave us that I hope we will never, ever forget.
Thank you Kate (my 16 year old daughter) for encouraging me in my pain and my grief and insanity to write, write, write, because "It will help". I think you are right. Funny how somehow your children can sometimes teach you things you don't known.....and in the process you learn something new and it helps you feel better.
During my last visit with Grandma, four months prior to her death (she lived 10 hours away), she was so tired she wanted me to "just take her and dump her off in her room". After I had her tucked in and comfy she said, "Good night everybody". I visited her a few more times when I was in Lawrence those few days. The morning I went to say goodbye I told her, "Grandma, I'm going to have to leave soon" she said, "I'm so sorry". Those are words that she often used, whether it was to sooth your boo boo as a child, or to make you feel better during a divorce. Her compassionate heart was always open......waiting to listen and help you no matter the circumstance.
My grief is BIG and strange and a monster and unlike anything I have experienced before. Maybe it's because I have lost someone who loved me more than life.......and I her. I guess we know we can't hold on to the people we love forever, but somehow we don't admit that to our souls.
I love you, Grandma. You are and forever will be my hero. You are one the the best things that ever happened to me I am blessed beyond measure to have known you. Thank you for being there for me always......I will never forget you......ever.
