Lost Siblings - 2

Here is my first note back from my long-lost brother, Tom:

Hi! I am so overwhelmed! Barb, I didn't know anything about you at all. WOW!!! Please help me understand. I am 40 and live in the twin cities. Not married and no children. Tell me about you. My email is tomhalbur@gmail.com. What a great day!!!

Wow is right! I can't imagine what is going through this man's mind when he get's my first note. He is 40 years old and never even knew that I existed. He did know about Heather and Josh though. He must be overwhelmed finding three siblings in one day!

Long lost siblings

This past week has been a bit of a roller coaster ride for me. I've been feeling a little blue recently and can't pinpoint exactly why, other than I have a bad cold and I am not exercising regularly enough, my marriage has not exactly turned out the way I wanted it to, Alex and I often don't see eye to eye, and I feel as if I live my life in a constant stressed out state of worry or panic. But in between all the blue there are sparkles of light that bring a smile to my face and a sense of excitement to my life.

Just two weeks ago today I was sitting here staring at my computer screen thinking about a half sibling of mine who I have never even met. All I knew about this man is that his name was Tom and that he might be in the music business. Now, those who know me know that I can pretty much scout out any person in the world who I am determined to find. After all, I found two other half siblings two and a half years ago with very little information but with them I at least knew their last names which can be a handy bit of information to have! So.......feeling a little downtrodden last Thursday I realized that I would probably never find or meet or talk to Tom.

I was home last Monday afternoon having left work early because I was feeling a little under the weather. My cell phone rang. I picked it up. It was my sister, Heather. There was excitement in her voice. "Guess who found us", she said. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went but I can tell you there was a lot of laughing and Heather was pretty emotional. Tom had found her on facebook. Heather has been wanting to find him for years.

Here is my first letter to Tom which I sent right after I found out how to contact him:

Dear Tom:

It is rather strange that I was wondering just a few days ago how we could go about finding you. As my daughter, Kate, says "you have amazing intuition Mom". I think things sometimes and then things happen like this!

Let me first introduce myself. I was born Barbara Jean Dailey on July 28th, 1962. I thought my parents were Carolyn and James Dailey but I found out quite by accident when I was 24 that James (Jim) was not my dad and my natural father was Bruce McKinley. The sister I grew up with, Julie, and I used to joke that we weren't really sisters because we looked nothing alike but I was quite shocked to find out that we were actually only half sisters (we have the same mom, Carolyn). I was quite lucky I suppose to have a dad that accepted me as his own and he will always be my "Daddy". I never knew Bruce McKinley but apparently when I was really little he used to come over and play with me and according to others he really cared about me a lot. I think he was a sentimental soul and cared a lot about all of his children, you included.

I found out about Heather and Josh when I was about 30 and often wondered where they were and what they were like. And then, one day at work just over two years ago I started looking for Heather. I found her on Myspace and flew up to Minneapolis to meet her and Josh a few weeks after that. She had been looking for me for 15 years. When we met at the airport we must have stood there and laughed at each other for about 10 minutes straight because it is quite obvious that we were well.......sisters : ). I met Josh the same day. He looks nothing like Heather and I. He's a great guy. Very level headed and easy going. Not sure what he still thinks of me. I think he is a little freaked out to think there is more than one Heather!

I found out that you existed that same trip and have wondered where you were ever since. Uncle Lyle (who you met) passed away last year. I think he was the only family member that you had met and the only one who possibly knew your last name. When I met him two years ago I asked him if he could remember your last name and he could not. So.........dead end street. I thought that we would never find you, or meet you.

I know this must be a little overwhelming to you finding three siblings on one day. Needless to say I would love to know more about you if you would like to share. Especially since you have been so much on my mind these last few weeks. No pressure......I am only your big sister......long lost relative! Seriously. No pressure at all. I am open to knowing you if you are up to it as well but I won't hound you about it. I totally understand that your family are really the people you grew up with and know well.

Just so you know a few tidbits about me. I grew up overseas in the Cayman Islands with my sister, Julie, and my Dad, Jim, and my step-mom and step siblings. Moved back to the States for college in Texas. I now live in Indianapolis, Indiana. I have two children. Kate is 19 and goes to Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana. Alexandra (Alex) is 15 and is a sophomore in high school. I work for a small law firm as a legal assistant downtown. I have been there 20 years. I am married but I don't live with my husband of three years. We split up in July. He's not a kid person and living with him with my girls coming and going was not a good fit for him. We still see each other and we get along quite well and as he says, "All married couples would do this if they could manage it"!!! I divorced my girls dad when they were really little and was on my own for 12 years before remarrying. I am really independent and set in my ways. I always have been.

I hope I haven't bored you with my synopsis of my life. Anything you want to know, just ask. As a friend of mine said when I found Heather and Josh....."You just never know if you might need a kidney or something, so it's great that you found your family"!!!

You will love Heather. She is so funny, and sweet, and crazy......and she is the beautiful one! She has become my best friend since we met. We have a lot in common.........except I am a bit more grounded than she is.....and a lot older My girls just love her and her little boy. I wish we lived closer.

Well......little brother Tom. It is so fantastic that you found Heather. She was SO excited. She has wondered about you and looked for you for so long. She wanted a big sister and she found me. AND she wanted a big brother too.....and here you are.

Just wondering where you live. I assume you are in the USA somewhere?

Big hug from your big sis' Barb

She's been gone for two years now

The following is something I wrote right after my Grandma, Hazel, died two years ago. She was 98 years old:

My rock is gone. How does one go on when one's center of gravity is no longer of this world? One would be selfish to believe they could hold on to someone so ethereal forever. What a gift to have been blessed with a grandmother as wonderful as she. Someone who truly walked this earth as if she were one of Jesus' deciples. God is lucky to finally to finally have his chosen one at his right hand....and we are left to weep alone without her here. How blessed were we to have her in our lives for so long? How can we be begin to imagine life here on earth without her by our sides? I selflessly prayed for God to take her......and now I selfishly wish I could hold her close just one more time. Grief is a very strange and powerful force. It makes us yearn for what we cannot have and makes us realize how strongly we loved.

How lucky I was to have known someone who always had the right words to say, was always strong, and always made me laugh and cry at the same time but touching me deep down in my soul with something wonderful she might say to me. Something that would make me feel like I was one of the best people on the face of the earth in her eyes.

Thank you God for answering my prayer.......for taking my Grandma peacefully in her sleep, and for cradling her close to your heart where she belongs and has always been. She was the best of everyone and the best of everything. She loved you......and she loved us......she just loved everyone. Only time will ease our pain. Please I pray that you help us always to remember to try to live our lives as she did as she was the best example we could possibly ever live by. We were lucky to have had her with us for as long as we did. We are grateful for the hundred's of happy memories that she gave us that I hope we will never, ever forget.

Thank you Kate (my 16 year old daughter) for encouraging me in my pain and my grief and insanity to write, write, write, because "It will help". I think you are right. Funny how somehow your children can sometimes teach you things you don't known.....and in the process you learn something new and it helps you feel better.

During my last visit with Grandma, four months prior to her death (she lived 10 hours away), she was so tired she wanted me to "just take her and dump her off in her room". After I had her tucked in and comfy she said, "Good night everybody". I visited her a few more times when I was in Lawrence those few days. The morning I went to say goodbye I told her, "Grandma, I'm going to have to leave soon" she said, "I'm so sorry". Those are words that she often used, whether it was to sooth your boo boo as a child, or to make you feel better during a divorce. Her compassionate heart was always open......waiting to listen and help you no matter the circumstance.

My grief is BIG and strange and a monster and unlike anything I have experienced before. Maybe it's because I have lost someone who loved me more than life.......and I her. I guess we know we can't hold on to the people we love forever, but somehow we don't admit that to our souls.

I love you, Grandma. You are and forever will be my hero. You are one the the best things that ever happened to me I am blessed beyond measure to have known you. Thank you for being there for me always......I will never forget you......ever.

THANK YOU

"Oh creation, thank you for this beauty, this amazing mystery and wonder, this stuff of life which opens like a treasure before us every moment of every day."

I'm dreaming of Spring!

Stay Awake

"Elemental wisdom: Stay awake. If you are asleep, you may miss your life. Notice everything for it's too quickly gone. Stay in the present moment with as much awareness and intention as possible: there are surprises waiting for you."

These are not my words, but they certainly struck a chord with me. Too often I am thinking so much that I totally miss the present moment. When I take the time to slow down.....feel the breeze against my skin or the sun upon my face, I realize that happiness is sometimes only a breath away.

money isn't everything

I'm sitting here at my desk with my most recent statement from one of my investment companies, and contemplating the state of my finances as is probably everyone who has put money away over the years. I guess I am lucky to have money saved.....even if there is a lot less of it on paper than there was a month ago and I am seriously wondering how I am going to help educate my almost college bound senior. It's funny though, even though there have been times in my life when I have had more money, or less money, I have worried about money the same way all my life and I am wondering why? I mean really, if you have people to love (and some even love you back), have food to eat, and have shelter from the elements, is there really anything much worrying about?And.....like I said to one of the attorney's that I work with yesterday morning who is totally obsessed with the stock market, "Joe, I have a picture for you when you have time to look at my computer screen, I just wanted to point out to you that no matter what is happening with the stock market, the sun still rises every single morning". Not sure if he took the time to look at my screen but I am guessing not. One thing I am certain about is that there is magic in the world........around every turn........if we are just paying attention. And, if I hadn't been paying attention as I was backing out of my driveway yesterday I might just have missed this gorgeous spectacle completely. All the money in the world cannot purchase something as beautiful as this.

Flickr

My flickr site is http://www.flickr.com/photos/indybarb/ and I am considering starting a blog.....but I've never been much of a writer and almost prefer to post pictures to tell my story. So, for now, photos will have to do!